My first reaction in every situation is gentleness and understanding.

A full plate hits a kitchen floor and there's a half-second before anybody says anything. Whatever comes out of that half-second was installed a long time ago, usually by whoever was standing in the kitchen when you were small.

The good news is that it isn't fixed. First reactions are trainable the way a golf swing is — slowly, with a lot of noticing, and mostly by rehearsing the alternative long before the moment arrives.

People who seem naturally gentle under pressure have generally practised more than they let on. It looks like temperament and is closer to a groove worn by repetition.